Ever since I was young, I have always had certain dreams I wanted to accomplish during my journey into adulthood. I knew I would graduate from with honors, knew I would always be involved with sports and my social life, and most importantly, I knew I would always be a daughter my parents could be proud of. I wanted to graduate from high school confident that I knew where I was headed, however, something happened within the course of trying to do all of these things. I did graduate with honors from my high school, and I did get into the college of my choice. At the beginning of the summer, though, I realized that something wasn’t right. I felt like I had no clue why I was going to this college and it was very clear that I did not know what I wanted to do with my life.
After this realization hit me, I went into a whirlwind of destructive actions that caused me to make the hardest decision of my life. One decision I made this past summer became the biggest learning experience that I have ever had. During the spring, I began going to get my nails done at a beauty salon in Detroit. I remember my very first time going there, I noticed the most beautiful guy I had ever seen. He appeared to be in his early twenties, had this glowing caramel skin and this amazing smile. We did that silent flirting thing for a while, and after he was finished getting his hair braided, he got up and left.
I thought, “That was that, Ashley. You ” ll never see him again.” The next time I went back, I had to get my nails done for my Prom that weekend. As my friend and I sat in the waiting area, we jokingly talked about the possibility of the “beautiful guy” coming to the shop that day. As fate had it, he walked in the door five minutes later.
My breath caught in my throat and I knew I had to give him my number or just talk to him! Everything about his appearance and the way he carried himself and spoke intrigued me. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, I started a conversation with him. I found out his name was Carlos, and we quickly made plans to meet later on that night. My friend probably wanted to kill me that day, because the whole ride home, he was the only thing that I talked about. We began spending many days and nights together. I had this feeling that he wasn’t good for me.
I knew in my heart that I shouldn’t be spending all this time with him, but he seemed to become an addiction. He was with me after Prom, and we were together during my Graduation night. My feelings that I had towards him and my time I was investing in him almost overwhelmed me. I never had dated an older guy who drove a glamorous Cadillac, had this charisma that could fill up an entire room, and could talk you into anything. Of course because he was older than I was, he didn’t want many people knowing about us. We were just “having fun”, and I was leaving for college in a few months anyways.
After a while, though, I started to feel a little weird with myself. June was going by so fast, and with each passing day, this strange feeling would keep growing inside me. I would push it aside and go on with my day, not hesitating to stop and think about this brainless decision I made to start seeing this man. On the morning of June 26 th, I woke up knowing my plans for the day ahead of me.
I had a speeding ticket to pay at a local court house and I was going out to lunch with one of my good friends. During my lunch, I kept mentioning to my friend how strange I had been feeling. I told her it wasn’t something physical, but it sure was indescribable, and just kept lurking inside of me. It was around noon when I dropped her off and I drove home to pick up my room a little. I went inside my house, and something just pushed me to leave a second later. As I drove myself to the nearest Meijer’s in silence, I tried to convince myself out of something I already knew.
I walked into the store and picked out a kind of pregnancy test I had seen on television. Embarrassed to be seen with it in my hand, I purchased the test quickly and went into the nearest bathroom. By this time, my hands were shaking almost uncontrollably and I waited to see the results, praying to God. I looked down to see the positive result on the little white stick, and I could feel tears start to stream down my face. I walked out of the stall and I saw a woman standing at the counter, washing her hands. I asked, “Ma ” am, am I seeing this test correctly?”Let me see it, we ” ll read the directions”, she said nicely.
I already knew the directions and I began to shake even harder. “Honey, do you have someone you can talk to about this? Your Mom or a friend?” , she started. I rushed out of the bathroom before she could even finish. My drive to the Wayne County Health Department was probably the longest ride of my life, but I knew I had to get a professional test done in order to be sure about this. The lady at the front desk referred me to a clinic near my home, and I was there five minutes later. All I really remember after that was a nice nurse telling me that I was about four and a half weeks pregnant, reassuring me that there were many ways I could handle the situation.
There was never a time in my life where I had felt that alone and helpless. I left the clinic that day with a handful of paper work in my arms, knowing that from that day forward, my life would never be the same again. There were only a few trustworthy people I told, only because there were times when I just needed to talk to someone. I have the most wonderful friends and an amazing family who would be there for me through anything. This situation that I had gotten myself into was something that I knew had to deal with on my own, though. I couldn’t pull all of these people into a mess that I caused in the first place, especially my parents.
Carlos really wasn’t there for me like I wanted him to be, either, which made me realize what kind of a person he really was. The phone calls from him started to die off, and when he did call, he was extremely distant and short-winded. He offered to pay for half of an abortion, and he kept pushing for me to go with that decision. It was hard for me to get him out of my head and just let him go. I was astounded at how little he cared about me and at how much he cared for himself. He never asked me how I felt, or what I wanted.
He just assumed I would get it “taken care of.” At that point, I knew I had to just step up and be strong. Now before this had happened to me, I really did not believe in abortions. The only way I would agree with them would be during rape situations. There were things I had to realize, though. I knew that I had parents who were so proud of their daughter who just graduated from high school. I knew that my life would be starting at Western in about two months, and I knew wasn’t ready for a child, neither physically or mentally.
My birthday is October 23 rd, 1985, which would have made me 17 years old. To have an abortion legally, you must either be 18 years old, and if you ” re under age, you must have a guardian’s permission. That was obviously something that I did not have. Before I left the clinic that day, though, the nurse told me about a procedure called a Judicial Bypass.
This gives the minor a chance to go in front of a judge to convince them that she is capable of making the decision herself, without the consent of a legal guardian. After a few days of debating, I knew that this was my only choice. I hired an attorney the clinic had recommended, and set up a court date within a week of finding out I was pregnant. Terrified to go by myself, I went to my court date with a good friend and received permission from the judge to make the decision by myself. July 3 rd was the day I ended up having the abortion. It was the worst day of my life.
Carlos met me that morning at the clinic to give me his half of the money, and then I told him to leave after an hour. That was one of the last times that I saw him. There was about 6 to 7 pages of paper work I had to fill out, and blood tests I had to have. With everything said and done, I was at the clinic for close to 5 hours. There were other girls there, some with what looked like their boyfriends and others just by themselves. None of us really talked to each other, but strangely I felt better with those girls around that day.
I guess it made me feel less alone. I walked out of that clinic a changed person. I had no choice but to change, because if I did not change, I was headed down a road of destruction. This summer, I was forced to grow up fast. Some people might think that might be a bad thing, but I believe that all things happen for a reason and many things are clearer to me now. I realize now that I am going to college to find out who I am and what I want to be.
I don’t have to have all the answers right now, but I do have to have faith in myself to get through the things life throws at you. I’m not saying that I “found myself” or anything like that. I’m saying that in order to be happy, you have to love who you are, and not let yourself fall into that trap of worthlessness. I look back and see how much I had to handle on my own in such little time, and it makes me feel better knowing that I was strong enough to do that.
It is sad that I had to go through something so horrible, but there are no profound regrets. I came out of a bad situation a better person, and for that, I am incredibly thankful.