Screaming at the Perception of Death I definitely will always remember this cold and rainy night as if I was just waking from the night before. We were young then and had no idea what this life had to offer us. It was careless and at the time I could have cared less… my whole world could have come crashing down at this one moment with one smash, one swerve or one scream and I could have cared less… we were on so many drugs and so many highs we couldn’t have cared about things like life, love or family… When I thought I was dead I could not have cared more.
It all started late that night. It was a freezing night and the sky was dark and gloomy. The air smelled of rain and moisture because it had been raining all day. One of my good friends, Tony, and I were staying the night at my house after a long night of drinking, partying and hanging out at The Palace, an underage dance club down the street from my house. We had already told my mom goodnight and headed off to bed.
Our night was not over yet though… A friend of ours, Dana, was having a party at her house all weekend because her mom was out of town. We had asked my mom earlier if we could stay at Tony’s house because we knew his dad would just let us go, but I think she had a hint already of that situation so she said no and that she thought we should just stay there. We were going to the party anyways. The phone rang and it must have been one of the loudest most piercing rings ever because we were on our way out the door trying our hardest to get out without making a sound so that we could escape the house without my mom knowing. My mom’s scream, “TOO ONY…
who in the hell is calling my house at two o’clock in the morning?” was all I heard as I sprinted back in the house to throw my shoes off and answer the phone knowing it was probably one of my friends being drunk and ignorant. This time the phone was for her… perfect time to leave “Moo oom, its for you! Pick it up in there!” I slammed the phone down. We bailed outside as quiet and quickly as we could. By this time we just wanted to get there as fast as possible. Some point between my front door and the street I had this brilliant idea.
I told Tony, “My sisters car is unlocked and you don’t need the keys to start it.” Tony said “Lets do it!” as I jumped in the drivers seat and started the little purple escort. I knew he would be down. We were on our way… careless as we were.
I loved driving. It was amazing being behind the wheel of a car. We could go anywhere now and we drove around so fast and so oblivious to the life around us. The trees and houses were screaming by at speeds so fast that I could not even make out what neighborhood we were in and the smell of battery acid and radiator fluid was so potent it was making me sick. But I loved that feeling of the steering wheel turning in my hands.
We screamed “Fuck the world!” as I turned every corner. Truthfully I am amazed we ever made it to our destination. When we got to the party it was crazy and there were drunk people everywhere stumbling all over the streets and screaming about nothing and everything all at once just trying to be young. We pulled up and everyone heard us coming and saw how “cool” we were driving a car. The first thing I did was went in to grab a beer and that was “cool” too. My friend Johnny was there and right when I walked in he said he needed to go grab something from his house to light this party up.
It was so loud I could only hear half of what he said but as drunk and stupid as I was at that moment “I got a car let’s go.” is all that could come out of my mouth. We both grabbed another beer. “Wait here I’m gonna get some tunes I’ll be back.” I had to yell to him even though he was only three feet away and I ran inside. I got the Snoop Dogg C. D.
out of the stereo inside and we were on our way. “Where do you live at man?” I said as if I cared. I don’t even think I ever heard his answer if he even heard my question and we just went. In our minds this was just another adventure. We weren’t out to hurt anybody and if we wrecked it was only us at stake so it was nobody else’s goddamn business what we were doing or where we were. We sped off fast and hit the mailbox as we went.
“Sorry Dana, I’ll fix it tomorrow.” I screamed over the pounding music as if I knew there was going to be a tomorrow. We drove down the street even more oblivious than before. With the windows down we could still hear the wind screaming over Snoop Dogg’s “Gangsta Party” playing at full blast. Somehow after about a half hour of driving we ended up in an alley behind Johnny’s house, by the Jack in the Box.
He was only inside for a minute but it seemed like hours just sitting and waiting to see what crazy places we could go next. When Johnny came out of his house he looked as excited as ever, as if he had just struck gold. He jumped in the car and said, “lets roll!” I asked him what he had gone in to get from his house and his only reply was, “You ” ll see.” On the way back we were reckless as ever terrorizing the K-mart parking lot. We were holding onto carts and driving as fast as we could until we couldn’t hold on to them anymore. We let go and watched the explosion as they hit the walls and trees that were in the parking lot. After an hour of fun we decided to head back to the party for some more beer and Johnny’s sure rise.
At the party, everyone was ecstatic to see us. We went into the kitchen while everyone gathered around, it was so crowded you couldn’t even move. All you could smell was the puke and beer on everyone’s breath and the pot in the air. The room was trashed, the floor was soaked with beer and who knows what else, but no one seemed to notice.
People were surrounding us like we were famous. Johnny pulled out of his pocket what looked like a sheet of paper covered with exquisite pictures of the infamous Mad Hatter, a character from Alice in Wonderland, he was definitely the cookies t character in that trippe film. Nobody seemed to know what this mysterious paper was, but nobody seemed to care. Johnny said he’d give me one free for gas money because he had more then enough to go around. He instructed everyone to put it on their tongue and just let it dissolve. He told us when it was gone we would all feel as if we were in heaven.
They all did as he said and so did I. There was no taste at all it seemed as if the taste of the paper didn’t exist. I think after a while I swallowed it forgetting it was even in my mouth… careless as I was.
Once I realized it was gone, there was no heaven, it seemed as if there was nothing but the same drunken rage that I had felt all night long. I told Johnny that me and Tony were going to go home because this scene was getting old and asked if he needed a ride. He did and I offered a ride to three or four more people all. We walked around saying our peace to everyone and asking people if they had felt anything. They all said no not really except one guy just kept laughing “You will man no worries.” he said. So I borrowed Snoop Dogg again, walked out to the car and we all got in.
I started to feel a wave of complete wellness through my body. The feeling of joy and the feeling of pain were all gone, I was on another level. A “heaven” you could say. The world was changing before my eyes and the way the street lights seemed to fly by was gone or maybe it was worse I wasn’t sure. It seemed like I could see it all so clear and I was invincible, no one could touch me. I could reach any speed, make any turn, and not even god could stop us.
There was no way any of us could go home or would go home. We loved this feeling too much. One of the guys that wanted a ride told me to take him to his girlfriend’s house and we all laughed and made fun of him saying, “Be a man.” They all told me to drive to K-mart because they thought that the cart crashing sounded like fun. So I made a u-turn with the tires screaming. The things that I was seeing were amazing. These awesome colors and fiery red trees, I had never seen before.
We were going down Fairview at extreme speeds with the speakers exploding in my head, I don’t know how fast, I never will. All I heard was everyone’s screams, the sound alone could have scared me to death and they ripped at my heart. It was something like, “tree”, and “Oh my god!” , but all I recall was the sound of that Snoop Dogg C. D. and a flash of the whitest light I had ever seen. “This has to be a dream.” I thought to myself.
It isn’t though… I knew I had really just been driving and I felt around for anything, all there was around was this magnificent white, fluffy white. There was no sound, there was no smell, there was nothing but that fluffy white. I knew that I was dead and all I could think was that I need my family, what have I done, what about all these people, did they all die too? What the fuck happened? What did I hit? Was anyone hurt? Where is my mom? What if I hit a little kid, am I in hell or am I in heaven? How will my mother be able to take this? Where is she? Her only son gone forever.
How did this happen? She tried to warn me but I could ” ve cared less… Now that I’m dead I just want to see my mother. At least see her and my sisters so I can make sure they are okay. Fuck all of this… Where is my family? Who will carve the turkey at Christmas? My mom can’t handle something like this. She is going to break down.
This can’t be happening to her. She doesn’t deserve this. The air bag deflated and all I could think was I’m really alive, what can I do to make this right? Everyone in my car was okay, the sound had come back and all I could hear was screaming and my heart pounding in my chest. What had I hit, I needed to know.
When I had got out of the car, I saw what it was. The engine was thrown out of my car sitting by the tree. Everyone ran as fast as they could, but I just sat there not able to move. All I could think about was my mom and how much I cared when I was dead and how much life really was left. I needed to go and make things right. I ran home as fast as I could to wake my mom up, not to tell her what I had done wrong, but just to tell her how much I loved her.
I knew I would have to tell her about the accident but right then all I could think about was how much life meant to me and how much she meant to me… I couldn’t care more. When I came home I woke her up and I told her I loved her and I had done something wrong, but I didn’t care what punishment she had, I already knew what I had done was wrong and my careless way of life was the wrong way to live. I was going to change no matter what it took, because of this experience my life would never be the same. I would never care less about anything. I would always care more about everything..